Something's wrong. My life's ok, I guess. Have an apartment, pet, boyfriend. Things are going. But something's wrong, or missing, or maybe I'm just losing it, that's also a possibility. I don't know, maybe it's that I was going to be married a couple months ago, maybe that's a cop-out, again, I don't know. I think I want to get out of Chico, or out, or something. At least I'll be out in a couple weekends, for at least a day, maybe a day at home with my family will help or change things. Maybe it'll make things worse, going through my parent's storage shed giving things up, deciding which parts of my childhood I can go ahead and throw away because my parents can't afford the one holding my deceased grandparent's stuff in Richfield, and those things take precedent over my things...I can always accrue more things...more memories. I think I'm just done for now, done waiting for things to happen...I don't know what I want to happen or what I'm expecting, just seems like something should be there that isn't, don't ask me what it is because I don't know. I guess if I knew what it was it would be easier, because then I could just go get it and be complete, be whole, but that would be too easy.

Moving

It's that time of year: moving time! Time to get the hell out of the old apartment and move on to the next. This one actually has a washer and dryer that works, that in itself is pretty glorious. The cat will have stairs to run up and down and probably will hurt herself but we'll laugh and she'll forget it even happened a second later; she's smart like that. Packing is going to be easier this time around since I filtered out most of my unwanted junk the last time I moved, so that always makes the experience better. Combining our things may be a little challenging but I'm sure I can do it; the computer room will undoubtedly have a music/lego/WOW theme...that's certainly a hodgepodge if I ever saw one, so that'll prove to be interesting at best. I'm going to enjoy having a dining room again, maybe I'll even eat at the table, that would be new and different. And for the first time we have a fenced backyard! I'll put my lawn chairs, patio table and bbq back there and maybe some plants to spruce it up. I didn't get a good look the last time we checked the place out, so I'm not sure if it's just dirt or what, but I'll try to make it look presentable. And in only a week from this Sunday, the day after the Chevelle concert, yay! =D

Turns out when you're caught up with all your work, and you open up a book and start reading...the boss man decides to give you more work to do. I'm glad I found this out 'cause I was bored. -_- I guess I'll just read at my lunch break, even though I'm almost done with my book. I'm currently reading Philip Pullman's: The Subtle Knife and I have about 20 pages left, and it's riveting. I can't wait to read the last one of His Dark Materials: The Amber Spyglass. How's that for a plug? ;)

Sensitivity

Sometimes songs remind me of different times in my life; some experiences are nice to remember, some I'd rather forget. I was listening to the radio at work, typing away as I usually do, and "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas comes on. This song used to make me tear up every time I'd hear it. It would remind me that we aren't everlasting beings that will grow as our planet grows, we are, as the song says, "just dust in the wind" and will one day become extinct just as everything does. Now I shouldn't cry every time a song comes on that reminds me that I'm not an invincible super hero, but in the past I've had quite a few issues with death, as I've been to far too many funerals of family members, and I remember every one I've been to distinctly. I could even recollect at which part in the read eulogy when I finally shattered my stoic demeanor and broke down as children are supposed to. I'm a sensitive person, I know this, I've dealt with this, and others have learned that they also need to deal with this fact. Sometimes I wish it wasn't blatantly apparent of how sensitive I really am, but I usually wear my heart on my sleeve, as the saying goes. One of my ex-boyfriends took advantage of my sensitivity on many an occassion. He had very low-esteem as he was overweight and was picked on continuously as a child and even as an adult he felt as if people made fun of him behind his back and called him dumb. I told him he was being silly and that I loved him dearly and never made fun of him as he often thought. With this state of mind he also had suicidal tendencies, and he discovered that any time he mentioned killing himself or one day dying, he could get me to show some sort of emotion which was usually me crying, as I tended to do quite often. Seeing that he had stirred up so much sadness from his passing made him feel better about himself, which he would use to his advantage. From that moment on whenever he wanted to boost up his ego he would remind me that one day he would be gone and I would have to find someone else to grow old with. You would think this was an extremely jerky thing to do, which as I look back at it now, it really was. What an asshole! Why would he do that to me, to someone he supposedly cared about? Well, it beats the hell out of me, but it worked every time. "I'm going to die someday..." /tears It makes me sick when I think about it now. If he tried the same shit today I would want to say something like, "That's nice." But I know I could never say anything like that, no matter how much he hurt me whenever he would use my emotions and compassion against me.

Chevelle

So I suppose I've made up my mind. I will be attending the Chevelle concert on May 31st. They're one of my favorite bands, and I unfortunately missed the opportunity to see them the last time they were in town last October. The only thing about attending concerts put on at the Senator Theater is that you buy the tickets at Diamond W Western Wear, which is the only time I ever step foot into that store...quite awkward. If you don't want to trek into the country western wear shop you can always buy the tickets here but there's a $10 service charge. Lame.

Watching the Sweets Kumamp on my desk at work bob it's head back and forth for the last hour or so. Good thing I work near a window or I'd have no source of entertainment, for my little friend is solar powered. I was hoping that my desk at the office's new location would be near a window, but no such luck. Oh well.

Concert

So my pal Jessie and I are going to check out the free speech area at Chico State tonight at 6p. There's going to be a benefit for the Butte Humane Society, and some local and not-so-local bands are scheduled to appear: The Matches, Self Against City and The Shimmies. While I have heard of none of those bands, I have heard from sources that The Shimmies and The Matches are a good listen. So why not expand my music horizons and check out a free concert? Why a rock concert and fuzzy critters decided to team up is beyond me, but free is free.